A "Love, Rosie" that wasn't that "Love, Rosie"

This is for you, who said "Do you have a blog? Omg, I didn't even know!" but your Google history said otherwise.

I'll give you a name, so it's easier for you to identify yourself. You're Elliot. Firstly, because in real life, your name ryhmes with mine, so Elizabeth... would be Elliot in this life. Secondly, it's because you're an idiot. So, Elliot would suit your idiotic attitude at its best.

Let's move on shall we? Cause time is something Elliot lacks because he never had those for me when he's busy hating. Like.... he is now.

And deep down, Elliot would say that he could never hate me. But in the end, he didn't even know what he hate so much, so "let us just hate the girl" instead.

This is also for you, who always back this guy up here, saying that I'm not worth the fight. For the record, I fight for his ass more than you ever fight for yours.

This is also for you girls who try to win Elliot's heart but failed miserably. If you're not up to standards, try again next time. Good luck.

This is also for you girls who Elliot tried to win your heart but this time, HE is the one who failed miserably, both you knowing Elliot isn't content with his feelings towards you and him knowing his feelings isn't content towards you. To these girls, I'm sorry that he's stupid.

This is also an explanation on my behalf because I always seem like the bad girl. The bad girl who made Elliot look like an idiot. The bad girl who kept on making Elliot suffer.

Fair warning. I might curse without any tolerance anymore. I might chit chat for far too long and you won't get the whole story in one go (but you will in the end so bear with me) cause I'm blabbering as if HE is the one who's reading this. NOT some stranger who don't have a single clue about what is going on in this little thing I called "I don't know what" of us.

One thing I would like to ask...

And Elliot knew this is when I would lock his eyes to mine and ask this with my heart and soul ripped apart. Press the button to off the radio. Lock the doors if I have to. Hold his phone so he won't find excuses to not answer. Doing all this just to look for an explanation which he would try to avoid by smiling like I'm crazy for even questioning.

*sigh*

You can't play around with your steering wheels when I'm crying Elliot. You know you can't. If you say "Watch me", it'll kill you.

Elli....

You often said you're tired. So, I'm going to tell you what you always said to me till' I'm the one who's tired of hearing of how tired you are.

You're tired of me.

Tired of us.

Tired of what we are.

Tired of what we are NOT.

Tired of what we NEVER were.

Tired of whatever "this" *gestured to the space between us* is.

Tired to always be the one in pain.

Tired to always be the one who suffered.

Tired of this endless cycle.

This rotation.

This MISquotation that people often declare us as which puts you in so much pressure.

Tired with the word "friends" and tired of the word beyond friends which we would never know what the word is.

The truth is....

I'm tired too.

Correction.

I'm tired MOST.

I'm really tired. Drained. Exhausted.

You name it. Every word that can be brothers to the word "tired" is me.

Elliot.... Tell them...

Didn't I suffer too? Twice as much? Triple as much? Quadriple or even whatever multiple there is. You sucked at Math, but you knew I suffered. No. You KNOW this. I suffered A LOT. A much more painful.... and hurtful.... suffering I cannot even endure but I did.

Well... at least I tried.

Your friends kept on repeatedly backed you up saying that I'm some worthless shit who should get herself checked. You guys questioned (for those who is such a piece of little shit, even badmouthed) my whoever-at-the-moment-boyfriend, my life, my education and even how I breathe. But the last time I checked, your friends of yours are also the ones who's been sliding into my dms telling me I look "boek" in my photos and gawking at me whenever they see me in public. Some friends you had there. 

To boys, this #brobeforehoes code of yours isn't working out in 2017 anymore. Quit it before it is you who get back stabbed by a friend who chose a hoe before you & live a happy life because he fucking doesn't care about the fucking code.

I've told my readers I'm going to write a tale about you. I've wrote the sweet long tale of us. But that isn't the truth, is it? You gave me so much happiness for an ocean of pain. You gave me something just to ensure I gave you something back. You know what you are? Loan sharks. With interests too.

To love me, you need to be loved back.

To like me, you need to be liked back.

To make sacrifices for me, I need to sacrifice back.

All in all, what you give, you always want it back.

To you, one way relationship isn't your cup of tea. You don't want to become the Phantom of The Opera who loves a girl that is in love with another guy.

But, Elliot. The last time I checked, I did love you back. But your greedy ass yearned for more. People call it "friendzone", you called it "being played" and I call it as "man who wants to befriend a woman only if he had interest in her and putting pressure on her to feel the same way and if she doesn't, she will lose a great friend". So it really is one or the other for me isn't it? How's that fair?

Here's a summary for those who didn't know. Me and Elliot are friends for 11 years. Best friend for six years and on off lovers????/enemies/friends for two years. Why on off? Ask Elliot.

Elliot's friends would scream with their angry face on by now shouting "Ask the girl!!!" and throwing tomatoes if they had one so here is my answer. 

Elliot... We're on off because... *deep breath*

Because you're a fucking fucked up chicken, that's why. You lived up to the nickname my friend. That nickname is given way back when you were 15! When you don't even have the guts to say you were sorry or even say that you like me or even say.... Idk? Anything? Fast forward to 2017, I tried giving you a shot, to see if this would even work in the end. But remember G-Eazy's song Just Friends? Let me wrote the lyrics to see if it gives you a drive down memory lane.

"And when I look around, I see your everywhere. I punched a hole in my wall and I just left it there to remind me of the time that I really took it there and remind me not t start again cause nothing's there."

Remember when you used to punch your closet door just because we fought? Usually it is because you're jealous of my then boyfriend and you couldn't take it anymore and you shouted at me, I shouted back and we fought and it hurts so you hurt yourself instead.  Yeah, that's it. That's the one. I hit a memory cell with that one didn't I? And this is the fun part of the song...

"Cause if I call you, that'll probably lead to something cause we probably meet to talk and then we'll probably end up fucking, we'll probably end up fighting, it's gonna be a lot of cussing and shit can get disgusting and we're right back to square one. And we can try be homies but that shit ain't gonna work".

So what G-Eazy is basically saying is to stop day-dreaming and end this cycle. Friends could not be lovers. Especially when being friends is far too valuable to be put as a bargain.  And once you're in it, you can never go back to the way things were. And I can't do that. I can't lose that friendship I had with you. And I can't lose you. But you asked me to give it a shot regardless. You said that I will lose you either way; try and lose you later or don't try and lose you now. Either way I won't win. But at least one of it I lost by trying. That's selfish, and hellish. But that's you.

Now you can that I'm fault but you never had the guts to be a man, gathered up some courage and push all the boys who wants me to the side and said "Elizabeth, I really love you. I want you. Look at me. Only me." and fucking make me yours. Okay, that is tad bit dramatic but you get what I mean.

You stayed idly by the side when you saw your friends are talking about how beautiful I look. When they hold doors for me, when they directly confessed to me, when they offered me seats next to them, when they helped tie my shoes, when they texted me asking me to become theirs...... You only nod agreeing, nod supporting, nod that shows that you're okay with it.

Well, Elliot.... *whisper* I'm going to tell you a secret.

YOU ARE FUCKING NOT OKAY.

I'm a Leo, Elliot! A fucking fluff ball with fluff hair lion. An alpha in my species became an alpha because he fucking fight so. If you don't fight, you became a meat. What do you expect a girl like me do? Go fight for your bravery and puck it out of you? Yell at you "Take me, Elliot take me!!!"??? Even the girls you're with get so irritated of you because you don't even know what you want.

You kept on saying you want them but your heart kept telling you other wise. Girls are not THAT stupid. We girls get 4.00 CGPA nowadays. They know that they can never fill my shoes if you kept imagining they can. They are not some experimental lab rabbits for you to test. "Okay let's see if you can beat my imagination of the girl whom I really want to forget".

"Look, if you reject him now, he'll gonna make his life's mission to go out there and meet the most perfect beautiful girls in the world just to try and get over you. He'll end up marrying this other woman and spending the rest of his life with her. And he'll tell himself that she's perfect. And that he really must be happy. But she won't be you." - Love, Rosie

STOP comparing them with me. STOP faking that you're okay with them being themselves when deep down you're wishing they would transform into me, beat me & make you forget me.

Elliot,  they are not me. They never could be. It is YOU who should learn to love them regardless what they are. How they smile, how they hold you, how they laugh with you... How they are so different than me. If they are so similar, how are you ever going to move on?

Even when you do move on, pieces of you are still reminded of me. The way I pulled your hair cause you're being annoying,

The way I blabbered saying I should drive when you're too obedient with the rules, the way we got into an accident and I calmed you down (still can't grasp the fact you got into an accident four times *face palm*), the way your eyes won't even blink the first time you saw my morning face when my hair was a wrecked up mess but you loved it anyway....

Being so blushed up just because I drooped my head to the side saying "Nak pearl?" as you bought me my favourite Chatime drink, being so excited teasing me by the glass escalator because I'm afraid of heights (more to dying of heights) and how you fight with me for the air conditioner level in your car and I would often press the horns when you don't listen and thousands of dozens more.

You were there with me when I don't even know how to put on a bra yet. You were there when I first grew in the bra I already know how to put on and you were the first to give me your hoodie to cover the bra that I wear.

You're the first guy that wrote me 3 books of "Why I'm Sorry" essays & the first to give me a teddy bear. You're the first guy to be the partner for the couple stuff I wanted to wear & the first guy that has ever knelt before me in front of people (teachers to be exact) asking me to forgive you.

 

You're the first guy who ran to my house at 9 a.m. to wake me up for school, the one who drives me everywhere cause you never believe that I could, & a whole lot of a bunch of other firsts and the fuck up thing was, you're always the FIRST to every first.

Because you're the first guy that exists in my life.

I admit you love me like there is no tomorrow. I admit too that I would never be able to let you go. Because of the fact you know this, IT GAVE ME SO MUCH HEARTACHE.

Every time there's something going on in your life, how you got hurt while playing football, how you received the news of your father gone, how you handled the stress that your mom brings, how you act like money is not a big deal, how you often make it so easy to do the sacrifices you made.... for others and worse, FOR ME.

I got really worried.

I really hate it.

I don't like it.

I don't like you spend your time and waste your energy on me when I think its troublesome to do so.

Even when you said,

IT IS OKAY.

I WANT TO DO IT.
IT'S MY CHOICE.

Well, Elliot, this is a game for two and my thoughts matters too.

Once, you came to me apologizing. Me being me, I kept so much of why I'm hurt and only tell you the title of 'Why Am I Hurt' so you just predict "Oh, it was because of this, because of that" but the real thing is... it is so much more.

You came from Kuantan, wanting to come and see me in my university in Putrajaya. 6 hours if there's no traffic. 6 hours if you're lucky to get a bus which you won't like cause it's a last minute plan. Money to spend on taxi from your hostel to the bus station is one thing. Then money for the bus ticket to KL is another. You didn't bring your clothes with you. You just bring whatever it is with you and called my sister to drive you to me because you didn't want your family to know that you came home. You slept at the bus station while waiting for morning to come. You woke me up when I'm not suppose to and you know I hate waking up on weekends but still, you forced me to see you outside my dorm when I never knew of this plan before hand.

To you, it is a sweet surprise. To me, it is a catastrophe. If it's not troublesome for you, it's troublesome for me. For my sister who didn't even want to drive me home that weekend even when I asked her too but she had to drive you to me because you're desperate at the moment and she's the only person alive that's there to help. For my housemate who had to wake up early just to wake me up because you asked her to. For D who came running to my room to do our assignments, only to catch you calling me out of the blue as you were there in front of our campus and she cried thinking what you did was so sweet and that is all she ever asked from her ex. For the guards on duty to keep on fighting with my sister because she can't drive in to park but she's so stubborn and make a scene. Easy said.... For most of the people which you don't consider before doing something.

As a logic person, HOW COULD I NOT SEE IT AS TROUBLESOME? How could I not be worried? It's not the kind of 'troublesome but I appreciate you're doing this', no. It's the 'troublesome and I don't like it one bit' kind of troublesome.

I had so much anger at that time when I found out that when I had given the chance for you to open my heart, take the risk that I could lose you while being in a relationship because you're never satisfied with us being best friend, you back stabbed me by having relationship with other girls behind my back. MORE THAN JUST RELATIONSHIPS.

Some of that relationship is with my best friend at my college. How can I be okay? Tell me. Especially when I knew this by myself. How I opened my friend's archived chats on Whatsapp AND I NEVER HAD THE DESIRE TO DO THIS BEFORE BECAUSE I DON'T THINK ITS RIGHT TO MEDDLE WITH PEOPLE PRIVACY but all of a sudden I don't know what madness had gotten into me but I did. It's like God suddenly gave me the drive to open them and there it is.... your name.

The words you said hurt.

The words I can never be able to forget.

The words that exist in my memories as if I had scribble them with pain filled with ink made by volcanos, carved into my head.

I still remember the feelings as I read, sitting in Anjung, hanging out with some classmates at night, eating... gossiping... with A in front and B beside her while C on my left and D on my right who was busy talking topics which I couldn't care less cause the thing that I read is more heart-wrenching.

"D, if you would accept me, I would leave Elizabeth for you. I told Elizabeth that she's my number one. But not anymore. You're my number one now".

The noisy Anjung become shockingly quiet in my head. Everyone is barely talking. Everything passes by slowly. My heart is boiling with anger, my mind is losing all its springs. All I can say was...

Okay.

Ok.

K.

That's.... Well... Just... okay.

You know what?

No more Miss Nice Girl.

FUCK.

YOU.

That is it. I've blown all the patience I've kept. My feelings if there is any? Gone. Yeah, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you. Fuck you and I hate your whole crew. Fuck you very the fucking much. FUCK THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR FUCKING FUCKED UP LIFE.

When I'm hurt by the word D's ex, said to me, you went and consult D crying, called her and all. While me? YOU KNOW I'M CRYING TOO. I'm hurt too. And it is YOU that hurt me most.

To Elliot's friends who said "Go to your that boyfriend of yours that you love so much!!!" FUCK YOU MORE.

 

This whole post is about me trying to say that "I am trying to give Elliot the chance" hence why I'm single. He blew the chance on his own when he went out making love with my own best friend.

Oh, the pain while reminiscing the pain.... You are such a fucked up banana for all I care about.

The worse part is... with D being so heartbroken by her ex, I want D to be happy. Even if you're the one who can make her laugh. I'm okay. Which is why when D cried in front of me, I called you and gave her the phone, and asked you to console her.

I can do this much for my friend. That's the kind of friend I am and I kept this to myself while smiling when D told me how happy she is when you're around, all the sweet word, the I love yous... Okay you know what. Let's just shut it. No wonder I don't trust people a lot.

Which is why only certain people heard my cries. Especially P who hugged me every night when I did. You never know me that well to sense how I fake my laughter. Even when you know that I'm hurt, you never really care that much. That's why you're too attentive to this post. To find out where is it that you went wrong.

That's not all though. There's more oil to the fire that burns. I think most girls already ended things with you for the first shit you do. But as I said, I want to see how much more length can you stretch....

When I started talking to an old friend and she asked how am I doing, she asked me about you, about what we are. What we're truly are. I would say "He's an asshole and I'm done loving him" but I still love you too much to let the anger gets the best of me. After all, this acquaintance doesn't deserve to see me broken.

I'm too proud to show that I am.

And because of D's existence in your life, I think it is safe to say that we were only best friends and here you taught I kept on saying we're best friends because I didn't want you. How can I after I know what you did? You kept on marketing yourself as if you're single and kept on clinging on every girls you saw.

I'm hearing "But I AM single!" from your inner self, but Elliot.... 

How the fuck is that my fault?

You're the one who doesn't have the balls to say "Hey, I like you. I know you are single. I want to see if we ever have a chance together. Let's see if this works. Are you in?"  

So don't come running around, displaying the fact that such offer has been made my way and I'm the one who rejected it cause nothing has been said and made and right now, all I'm seeing is that I am the one being played.

Cheers to being the girl who gets played!

After hearing the word that Elliot hates that we were only 'friends', my old friend yell with a frantic thankful shock "Thank god, Eli! Thank god!!!" so I asked her "Why?" and she said "It is for your own good, seriously." I'm starting to feel like throwing a bomb over this girl's head. JUST FUCKING TELL ME ALREADY!!!!

Like magic, she sensed my anger, she quickly asked "Do you know about his ex?" and I asked "Which one?" as I lose count on his handful of girls which I didn't have the space in my head to remember and she said what I hoped she didn't....

"The most recent one... That girl.... ***..." and boy... I don't like where this is going. She told me about the thing I already knew.

I quickly wanted to end it there and then before she started to have the mood to gossip, thinking that I'm still okay on the other side.

I don't know if she wants to make me jealous, or spreading rumors, or talking as if it is normal like 2+2=4 kind of talk and told me that it happened recently and the girls who knew had been talking about it and they hated her for it and blah beblah beblah... I can't recall as I started zoning out. I cut her in between her gossip, "How recent is that recently?"

She was caught of guard but replied without hesitation like it's a fact which she does not need to confirm... "Earlier this year" and that is where I lose it so I ended our conversation.

I can't take this.

I'm facing my finals in a week.

Not now.

NOT FUCKING NOW.

I cried so bad even P could not handle me. I cried and cried. Cried again at 3 a.m. Cried again while praying during Subuh prayers. Pathetically called my ex and hoped to be cheerful and he only treated me worse. I had no one to turn to. For days it had been gloomy and my friends, especially D which didn't know the core of my heart break started giving motivational words for me to be strong and go to class as I've been skipping a lot of it as my eyes are still so puffy after hours of tearing up and I didn't want people to ask why.

And you taught I was studying and watching Korean dramas. Little did you knew.

One day, I told myself. THIS IS IT. I'm done. I need to get to my old self back. My mom didn't carry me for nine months in her belly for me to be so broken by a man who make other girls looked at me with the "if only you knew" look. 

I distanced myself, trying to find my peace and you decided to become so broken?  As if I would care at this rate. My feelings came first THIS TIME. Only THIS TIME I can be selfish.

You thought I was mean because you had your assessments. I was harsh for not even had the decency to care. Well, look at that.... Finally the world doesn't revolve around you.

I have a life, Elliot. I had my finals. I don't have an obligation to care for your impulsive needs. I am not your girlfriend. I am not one of your girls. And the last time I checked, you lied to me, manipulating my narrative, and that certainly means that you don't even have the slightest concern of seeing me as a friend, let alone a human being. So tell me Elliot, why should I care about you? It's not my fault that the only talent you have is to screw things up before it even begins.

But, you know what...

This is why we were always like this.

Regardless of what you are and what have you become.... the fact that you are, and always will be, my best friend will never change.

You were there when I endured my finals before. You were there when I'm feeling low and gave up pushing for the limits. You were there at my best, but the most important thing was, you were the cause of my worst. But now you're gone and even when I think of relying on you, the news of what you did crept in and made me broken inside out again. NOT AGAIN.

As much as too much of you can hurt me, too little of you hurt me most. I miss you. I miss my best friend.

Which is why when you came from Kuantan apologizing because you're too intimate with D, thinking I'm jealous over some pesky shit, I couldn't forgive you. With my sister on the driver seat, how do you think I felt? It's awkward enough that she had to meddle in this mess because you forced her so. It's more awkward because you apologized when she was there. I can't bring myself to tell you the truth. To tell you of how much I just knew. We fought again, a much more severe fight than ever. Worse? My sister is sitting in front. Not to mention the amount of gossip she would tell everyone about us... (Next time, before doing something, can you sit at the corner of your bed and use some brain cells which are very limited edition in your head before deciding on things? Thanks.)

After those horrific fights we have,

You started questioning me.

You wanted a girlfriend like D whom would be thankful and grateful for your TROUBLESOME efforts. Boo-hoo. You're disappointed. You're hurt.

Elliot, before I'm your 'whatever that I am to you', I'm your best bud, the one you share all your problems to. So, when doing all this gives you THIS much trouble, from a friend point of view, how can I see it as "sweet" when all I saw is huge signs "This is all a fucked up mess which cost too much waste of money and energy and time which Elliot did not have"?!

You're too hurt to even grasp at what I'm saying so I don't have it in me to owe you any explanation.

Just like that, Elliot-Elizabeth tale had ended.

Even when it did, I still cry from time to time. Still asked friends to screencapture your tweets. Still care whether you were doing okay. Still have it in me to notice your progress.

My conclusion? You're such a drama king who's so dramatic with your feelings when I'm the one who's hurting. Can someone give you an Oscar already? 

Logically, I started thinking, again with the drilling of brains which never function properly in exams halls.... This brain kept on saying that rumours are rumours because it is not called facts. So, to made me become less zombie version of myself and see things clearly from another view, I called my childhood friend, Ana. I told her how I missed her by my side and end the talk of "I-miss-you-you-miss-me" talk with a sad tale of how I shut everything with Elliot. She asked why of course and because we three never kept secret from one another, I told her everything from A to Z. And... She kept quiet.

FUCK!!!

FUCK ALL THIS!!!!! FUCK IT!!!

FUCK YOU!!!! FUCK EVERYONE!!!

FUCK ELLIOT!!!

She already knew.

My heart at that time...

Don't even ask.

For half an hour she didn't speak because I was sobbing and kept asking WHY.

She said sorry for countless of times and I could barely kept track at what she said. A major throwback kept pressing replay in my head. 

Back then... Waaaaaaaayyyyy back then....

When Ana and I were sitting across each other on a hot sunny day after school by the hawker stall, drinking iced tea while me being me, are making some lame-stupid-not-gonna-happen jokes about Elliot and his girlfriend *** (now an ex) four years ago just to be shocked at my friend being awkwardly quiet.

I started crying back then when I know my jokes were the harsh truth I could not face. I forgave him back then because we fought and you kept on saying how you were tired and you wanted to forget me. I blamed myself that you became that way and I kept on blaming myself until now. You don't know how much of the "What ifs" is hunting me...

Now it happened again. In 2017 when I thought "Okay, this is it. This is where it should start. No more 'Love, Rosie' between us".... I was proved wrong. Wrong to think that when you ended things with her back then, it ended.... but so naive of me, it didn't.

Ana's words highlights how foolish I can be when I'm blinded by mere words. Words from a man whom I have loved for 11 years who lied to my face.

"Elizabeth... on November 2016 where were you?"

"Working."

"Before you started working on the fourth week of October, is Elliot single?"

"Yeah, he is."

"You're sure?"

"Yeah, but before that he said that he got back with his ex because he pitied her but then he realised they could never work things out. So, he ended it."

"Did he now? So explain why on Earth did he bring her to your workplace on November?"

"He needed someone to accompany him. They're friends."

I started feeling so stupid for defending him at this point but I still did cause that's what I stand for, defend a friend in public and correct the friend in private.

"You guys fought afterwards because..."

"Stop... please?"

I didn't have it in me to recall back the fight that me and Elliot had because Elliot being Elliot, a boy and an idiot, feels like honesty is the best policy & this is where Justin Bieber 'Sorry' song would hit, "You got to go and get angry at all of my honesty". Sure do, Elliot. Sure, do.

He confessed he hold his ex's hands after breaking up with her for almost a month just as 'friends' and that too, I believed him. 

Which is why Ana is outraged and started shouting.

"If he had done that, do you really think he didn't repeat back what he did in the past?!!!"

Fuck.

Fuck karma.

Fuck Elliot.

Fuck ***.

And fuck Ana too.

He wouldn't.... He couldn't.... Right....?

That is where Ana told me all of Elliot's dark secrets which Elliot entrusted Ana to hold because he was afraid if I knew, I would ran away. Well, I did either way. 

I closed my eyes... sitting on my bed by the window....

Started thinking while Ana just quietly hearing my tears at the end of the line...

Naive of me but I didn't trust Ana. I do.... But at the same time I don't. I'm in a deep deep DEEP denial of whatever I had heard about a man that I had put my faith in for all these years. I don't want to trust her. I can. But... I can't bring myself to.

Ana kept on spilling and spilling and telling me about all the girls Elliot dated behind my back including her not-so-pretty cousin that tried flirting with Elliot and Elliot being Elliot just flirted along like it was nothing to follow the girl back to her house..... to a point I kept quiet.

I can't recall how long I kept quiet. But I'm sure I'm being awfully silent to a point Ana only heard my breathing. 

I decided to call Elliot after a month long of not talking. He needs to explain things. He needs to tell HIS part of the story. I don't care if this would end in a turmoil. I don't even remember what I felt to begin with. 

We made a conference call, us three, because Elliot is being so dramatic as he puts on his ego for gamble, as if I hurt him THAT much after leaving him. 

Ana noticed things too quickly like how my breathing rate has changed while listening to Elliot rapping about how much he is hurt cause "Yeah, only you exist in this relationship of us. I'm invisible. I'm a stone. I don't have feelings. Only you. Just you and ALLLLLLL you". She quickly cut him and blunted it out.

"Bro, she knows. Everything."

Man.... after all the rapping... my ears were soothed with harmony. Elliot was out of words.

He stuttered. He kept his calm and said the word I swear to god if he's in front of me I would kill him.

"So?" 

THE FUCKING SO?!?! SO?!!?! I'll tell you what's sooooo "So?" about this.

It's my turn to rap. If he thinks he's Eminem, well I'm Nicki Minaj!

Somebody please tell him who's the F I is,

I am Nicki Minaj,

I mack them dudes up,

Back coops up then chuck the deuce up.

Just like the Super Bass song itself, the whole conversation went "boom badoom boom boom badoom boom bay". His ego is squashed. Puff! Gone, like dust.

His words were defending his actions. He gave reasons. He tried to negotiate. He tried stating it all. He confessed how he felt. He blamed it on the girl. He blamed it on me. He do what ever any guy would do as if it is their last ticket out of there.

I started crying. The part that hurt was the part where he actually admitted it. So, it's real now. There's no denial in this. It's fucking real and it fucking happens. But the part that hurt the most was..... the fact that I actually love this idiot, but I guess it's not enough for me to stay.

I didn't know which part of courage I sucked from because I truly believe I had none left. He apologized. Word after word after word and when he said....

"Elizabeth, you know I love you.... So fucking damn much." My middle finger started showing its fangs. I was showing it to the wall in front of me imagining that it is his face. If he was in front of me, I would have punched his face.

Well.... Elliot...

YOU DIDN'T FUCKING CARE ABOUT ME WHEN YOU DO IT. YOU FUCKED MY FEELINGS UP AND YOU PLAYED ME AND YOU LIED TO ME AND YOU TRICKED ME AND....

So... I ended the call as it was too much for me. Hearing his words that kept on poking at my patience and endurance, how he tested my ego, my pride.... I hated him for that. Especially seeing how he crushed all that I have built for him when I'm THIS close to letting him in.

We texted each other afterwards, expecting a "sorry" from him and an "it's okay" from me but that didn't happen as I soon realised, I find myself becoming more and more stone cold about my feelings. I started typing with a lump in my throat thinking.... "I guess this is it."

"I don't love you anymore. I don't think I ever will after what had happen. You're becoming like my dad whom I really don't want as my man. I don't think I'll able to let this go. Therefore, I don't want any sort of relationship with you. Let it be fiends, couple or marriage. I don't want it. Not now, not ever."

And that is how I crushed his last ticket of redemption.
The text ended there.

Bye, Elliot.
Love, Rosie.