HE WHO MADE THE CUT [PART 1]
Hi. Assalamualaikum.
It’s been so long since I’m here.
I have lost interest in writing ever since my life had been a roller coaster ride; one that is stuck in the blizzards of Everest.... a metaphor I love to use to describe this avalanche phase of mine.
Stone-Death Cold.
But...*chuckle* Dying? Jumping off Mount Everest and actually dying?
Well, it's easier said than done. Though it pains me to be alive, but it scared me more to leave everything behind. Death seems so dark, and from where I'm at, everything is already dark. Why do I bother making it worse than it already is?
I just want something to fill my chest again. Feeling bright, having warmth and being.... happy. Just extremely, extremely, happy.
Is it too much to ask?
Well I guess God just has its favourites then, and I'm fine not being one of them. The favourites wouldn't last a day in this 'blizzard' anyway.
Therefore the only option I have it to just stare into the abyss with hope that something wonderful might just happen someday. So I sat there, freezing myself to death until anyone, or anything, or any being that has the slightest decency to even care, come to my aid.
You probably wondered how I am stuck here. In this 'blizzard' of no return. Well, a lot can happen in the span of four years of a never ending innuendos.
- June 2018: I failed my exam. Panic, anxiety, depression, worthlessness.... You name it. I’ll aced every test. Though I’m eligible to be part of the psych ward, yet I’m proud to be able to actually pull through. I'm the only person in the re-examination class that passed.
- August 2018: But I guess my luck ran out. During the month of my birthday that year, my mother was diagnosed with cancer. Weeks after, I got into an accident and soon after, I found myself in jail. Thought god would spare me a second, but he just drives me to the edge when the news that my only grandmother died hits days after. We didn’t even make it on time to watch her get buried while my mother is still wounded from her surgery.
- September 2018: I’ve lost faith in my relationship. It was mentally and physically draining, horrendously filled with constant push and pull, back and forth, cries and fights.... Till giving up felt like the only option I had left. Constant battling with hurdles in life, I called it quits with the man whom I had shared my four amazing years with.
- October 2018: I started exploring options. Searching for rebounds. Anything to fill this void. I even confided in my sister that I wanted to crumble and turn back time, but my sister, being the Scorpio that she is, only yelled at me asking me to toughen up and "TRY HARDER". Her words were "kau cantik, pandai, and have everything a woman wants, you can have any man, any man at all, as long as you said yes". But for every man that tries to win my heart only ends up being the person who emptied his pockets. To me, they are merely assets to get these 1, 2, 3. 1) Free food. 2) Free rides. 3) Dashingly good looking trinkets to be displayed as trophies. Is it mean? Perhaps. But I no longer have anything at heart to long for.
- December 2018: Though there is one that tried the hardest and win. But the only reason he even did is because I needed a ticket, a reason, an excuse really, to reject the marriage proposal of my ex's family. This tragic relationship of us needed an end. It has hurt both of us too much than we both can honestly bear. That is why this 'scapegoat' of a new man is the only thing I saw fitting to save the day. Once and for all. Foolishly, the moment I jumped into this new relationship, I already knew that I will never be able to love this man. I guess the love I had for him, if there is any, is crafted out of gratitude for helping me carry these emotional baggage of forgetting an ex. If I were ever being honest, he is just a guy, stable enough with money who treats me like a princess, and hence I treat him like a bank. I even tried writing bout him once, but he didn’t make the cut as my gut kept gushing me that something just ain’t right.
- June 2019: And look at that... My gut did work way off its pay check. It was right. My new boyfriend had a girlfriend of 4 years while constantly fucking few other women behind the both of us. Funny part was, I cried not because I was hurt, but because I am so tired. I remembered sitting on the floor, looking at the ceiling, staring at his phone. I even was talking to God and said that I had a hunch he was trouble, but I WANT to ignore it. Why do you have to shove the truth in my face anyway? Now I have no choice but to feel sad. Yeah, I should feel sad. Sad because... my boyfriend cheated, right? But as dumb as it sounds, all I was considering was to ignore the fact that I now knew. I wanted to stay in this 'bubble' for as long as I can, just until I can learn to stand again. Just until then, and I promise God, I'll leave. I'll really leave. But right now, I refused to go back to square one, doing the 'pick a boyfriend' scenario all over again. Do you know how tiring it was to start again after everything? The thought of it is what shattered me. I'm tired. I am so fucking tired. Nevertheless, in the end, I did eventually surrendered, as I too, was never faithful to him. What's the point of staying in this relationship if both of us throw loyalty out of the window? Even after finding out, I didn't throw a fit though I repeatedly imagined cutting him in his sleep, but instead, I just called two of the guys I've been seeing behind his back to cheer me up. Then the next day, my girls and I went clubbing and God landed me two new men. Like who does that? If he is awful, then I'm a monster. A monster that was never faithful to any of my lover. I don’t know what loyalty truly felt like. To me, it seems so weak, like a fatuity leader with no strategy, going into battle unarmed with no plan B. Thus why I was clapping both hands and legs, thanking myself for never being faithful to my ex, or to anyone for that matter. I couldn’t be tamed even if my life depended on it. My way of thinking is ‘men lives only to please me’. Sickening, but I didn't bother enough to care.
Thriver lah konon padahal menangis tak berlagu on 16th June 2019 thinking about why would God put me in such a mess........ Thus the reason as to why I’m writing. Again.
16th June 2019:
The day is as crystal as the blue sky. It was Raya. I was at my best friend’s place. Kononnya staying over to help their family for a Raya feast. Padahal I was gathering up courage to overcome the heartbreak I never saw coming. Long story short, this engineer guy named C, (a Christian) born on the same day as me was in his way trying to make me his. A friend set us up sebab kononnya, born on the same day ni macam soulmate lah. Soulmate my ass hahahahaha.
But we did had our share of fun that day though, going to friends’ house.... Took pictures.... Then came back to my best friend’s place where we said our goodbyes. Ahhhh apa-apa lah nyah, I still felt empty and hollow inside nonetheless.
The bodoh part was, I called my ex while bergolek atas katil upstairs cause I'm tired having to know a new man. As if he cared if I was tired. *roll eyes* His only concern is his GF of four years finding out what he did. In the end, the call transformed into an American horror Netflix series. Makeup cair, mascara runtuh and my best friend & her mum came rushing upstairs, trying to comfort me. Niat her mum was to rush us to help downstairs. Niat my best friend was to tell me how she melts seeing her sister’s male friend(s) solat maghrib berjemaah downstairs. Sudahnya dua-dua nampak aku tersadai sepi, menangisi nasib diri hahahahahahahahaha. Sedihhhh!
Then my best friend, being a good friend that she is, said,
“Ok dah, kita turun, ambik air pastu kau duduk kat buaian nangis puas puas sampai kering while aku sapkok. Jangan nangis sorang sorang dah”
Sounds like a good deal. As I was walking down, shock ran through my spine. Private party ke sampai ramai nak mampus? The way to my water was also crowded. I had to go all the way to the kitchen just to get some. But being in the kitchen, seeing Ana’s mum berpeluh sakan buat kerja sorang, my heart suddenly sendu. Of course I had to help. Massive crowd with too little of a crew. If this is my house, I’d ask the tetamu to masak sendiri, *evil laugh* That ought to teach them a thing or two.
And so, I helped, and I dragged Ana along with me. Apa lagi, segala pinggan mangkuk kutip kutip kutip, basuhhhhhhh.... Refill refill refill, susuuuunnnn..... Lap sana sini, tolak pinggan kuali. Masak segala bihun goreng, biar pecah perut semua makan tak kembali.
All was fun and games until I saw few familiar faces. Wait a second....... You seemed like the senior during my orientation. And you seemed like the kid who had that kakak angkat which I still could not fathom the reason why. AND you! Well, you’re just cute. Hella cute.
And then that is when it hits me.
You’re all.... from my college? What is going on? Ah sudah. Don’t tell me.....
“Hahahaha bodohlah kau ni Bruno...” was heard from the living room.
F*ck. Is that....? Was that...? Did I hear that name correctly? Are they talking about him? Him HIM?
Ana tapped on my shoulder and spooked me half to death.
“Mana pinggan?”
"Oh, haaa nah." The plates exchanged hands and she quickly walked to the kitchen sink. Anxious, I kept on following her around, meddling with her work until she pushes me away.
“Pergilah susun pinggan sana. Pastu kutip pinggan yang diorang tinggal atas meja. Refill tong air tu sekali.”
“Kau lah buat, aku buat ni.” I said, finding excuses whilst smiling like a lunatic. She stared at me and raised an eye.
“Tu kan kerja kau... Aku dah basah ni....” She whined and pushed me back to the dining hall.
I wanted to cry, right there and then. If tadi I was crying for a trashy ex, well now I wanted to bawl my eyes out! I stomped my feet dua-tiga kali, ketap bibir until it reddens, cekak pinggang, garu kepala....
Nak tak nak, I had to go. What’s the worse that could happen? An alien trashing this party shooting laser beams at me?
All of it are just rather simple tasks; Susun pinggan - Bawak pergi sinki - Refill tong air. C’mon Eli, bukannya mission impossible! Since when stacking plates became so dramatic to you?
Quickly, I ran crossing the hall from the kitchen to the left side of the dining hall to find coverage from the wall that separates our two rooms. I picked up the plates on the table from my side even though it's harder to reach. I couldn't care less. I'll jump on the table if I have to. I’ll never stand on the right side where he can see me through the hall from the living room where he stands.
Before my plate stacking talent can show itself, footsteps was heard approaching.... Each step that was took was a jab right to my heart. There, on the right side of the table... he stood.
“Ahemmm..” The cold voice interjects, trying to break the cold air. A plate was put on the table.
Though my head is down, yet still I can see his hands at the corner tightens by a watch that hit just above his wrist, with his vines rolling through his arms till the view was cut with the folded sleeves of his buttoned shirt.
Oh Tuhan...... kill me. Kill me now. Just kill me now or I will.
“Erm.....” He goes, unsure of what to say, and untethered by the two men sitting by the table, pretending to eat but I know they are damn well watching closely for this story to unfold. Well, that makes three of us.
It's f*cking him.
- END OF PART ONE -
Lots of love,
QE.
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