The unfolding story of a juice that wasn’t a juice.

#OnlyinMalaysia this thing is being a juice. Whether the juice family welcome them or not, I don’t know. It’s their family rivalry. DO NOT ASK ME.

This is a story of me, mindfruit-ting my own mind.

This is also a story where a 19 years old queen was not so queen anymore.

This is one horrific legend that unveils the dumbness of their queen that doesn't deserve to be one.

This is also the part where I poke my eyes over and over again with forks and knives.

This is where I would scream and shout and yell to myself “Are you fucking serious, E?!!! How can you be so stupid?!”

This is the chapter where you would find me killing myself and digging my own grave.

Assalamualaikum, guys. (Need to give my salam cause if I wanted to die, I would surely need enough virtue to make me pass that level of Al-Mizan (weighting of sins and virtue before going to heaven)

Long story short, my cousins came into my house last weekend. It’s Ramadhan now, which means it’s the month of fasting. It made us appreciate the foods and drinks that we had. It also teaches us how to be patient while having to deal with thirst, hunger and lust. It’s really a holy month where Muslims joined together as one, uniting to become a better human and servant to our god, Allah S.W.T.

So, we decided to go for iftar, to open our fast in Shell Out, a place where there’s only seafoods. Imagine. Crabs. Squids. Octopus. Clams. Prawns. Lobsters. Scallops…. Oh, my god. I’m starving.

You know, I think Shell Out and me are meant to be together. Me. Seafood. Food itself. What a great combo! If this combo is on the menu, I would cost a fortune! (Cause you know… I am pretty amazing, so I don’t come cheap.) *heart shaped eyes*

I should get married to a merman, then maybe just maybe… I could eat all the seafood in the ocean! Or maybe… he won’t let me cause it’s his friends? *puts thinking cap on and looking kewl…*

Then, we ordered our food, and our drinks. I ordered green tea at first and I decided to quench my thirst with another drink. They said that only green tea and sky juice can be refilled. So, I ordered a sky juice.

SKY.

JUICE.

A freaking fucking obviously stated… JUICE.

Juice! As in “I am squirted from fruits” kind of juice?!

And you know what I get? A freaking plain water!

I hold my etiquette tight and firm and wait for the waiter to go. Elegance and class are two things I cherish most cause I’m great like that *flips hair*. The waiter went in the kitchen and only then I started going barbaric.

“Ma, I specifically ordered SKY FRUIT-TING JUICE! Look at what they gave me!”

My mom took a peek at my drink and said “That’s the right order, adik. What’s wrong with you?”

And I look at my water again before turning to look at my mom with a shocked face.

“Ma, I ordered a juice! J.U.I.C.E! This is NOT sky juice! This is plain water which I can get from the rain outside.”

And my cousin interrupted and said “Oh, my god… E, you seriously didn’t know what sky juice is?”

I don’t like the sound of this… Oh, no…. No no no no no no no….

“That is sky juice E! Sky juice is a plain water. That’s their 'glamour' name. Are you kidding me? A lawyer didn’t know what sky juice is?” She started laughing. 

Whaaaaaaaaa…. What is this? My brain cells can’t adapt to this kind of pressure.

“What the… What? Ha?!”

“E, SKY!!! (pointing up) JUICE!!! (pointing at my cup). Water from the sky into a cup. Sky juice.”

I look at my drink then at my mom then at my drink then at my cousin then at my drink again then at my nephew and I can’t brain this! I just heard the inner core of my brain exploded again.

“Ma… Did you know?” I asked politely, very… VERY shyly.

“Yeah, of course I do.”

“WHEN?!!!!!!!!” 

I started shouting. My mum laughed and my cousin started to hit the table while laughing her head off. You think this is funny don’t you?

“Long ago…. Long like… very long ago?” My mom answered.

“Why didn’t you tell me…..” I started sobbing, crying like a cry baby.

“How could you do this…” wiping my tears.

“What kind of mother doesn’t tell her daughter that this is a sky juice” I started blabbering while crying. Not pretty. Trust me.

“Why you let me drown in stupidity all these 19 sad years of my life….” I started blaming people.

“Why do people do this to me….” Again… blaming people cause, eh hello! I am certainly not dumb.

My 3.92 CGPA doesn’t deserve this kind of humiliation!

And then I go nuts again. “WHY DO YOU EVEN CALL THEM SKY JUICE?! PLAIN WATER IS PLAIN WATER FOR A REASON BECAUSE HELLO EVERYONE, IT DOESN’T TASTE SHIT!”

“Cause that is the name?” My cousin said it like it is the most obvious thing in the world when it is not. Cousin, just…. Shushhh.

“In any restaurant I’ve been to, all of them labelled the water as drinking water or mineral water, why the fruit is it SKY JUICE?!!! Like for example, why would you change your name from stupid to extra stupid?”

My cousin calmly tried to explain “Like your name. I called you ‘E’. Mummy called you ‘Adik’. Your friends called you ‘Eli’. Your teachers called you ‘Elizabeth’. People have different names sweet pee.”

My eyebrows started flicking and my mum knows I don’t accept such non-scientific, not detailed, non-fact or not in the sense logically speaking reasoning… so she interrupted.

“Long ago, people think it’s a waste to buy plain water at the shop because such water can be found at home. When McD was introduced here, there was the refilled plain water which they named as “sky juice”. When plain water started to become famous and more people started to refill more of it, the sky juice refilling option is stopped and now it is sold in bottles. That’s why people no longer called it sky juice, but mainly the plain water itself. Only fancy restaurants use the name to make it sounded more grand. Okay?”

“NOT OKAY…..” I started mumbling while banging my head to the table.

We paid for our food and I take the not so exotic sky juice along with me. I stared at it for far too long and I decided that it is the most ridiculous thing on Earth, calling something so plain so grand. So I took the picture and post it on my insta story cause I’m sure my social media friends will back me up for sure. I’M HUNDRED AND TWENTY THOUSAND CENTURY PERCENT SURE.

The caption read “I have a VERY very very like seriously, VERY important question to ask y’all. Do you guys know what is sky juice? The “halal” version of course.”

I started getting dozens of direct messages replying to that story.

“Plain water, E”

“I think it’s drinking water, Eli. Why?”

“Yeah, water.”

“Water. Omg, Eli! Even I knew this!”

“Eli! You didn’t know? Let me become a lawyer! How could you not know?”

And the rest kept on saying water water water water water water water water till’ I HAVE HAD ENOUGH! I texted my college bestie, P. P would surely not know this. I’m confident. She’s dumb like me. SHE DIDN’T EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE THE CLEANING TOOLS FOR TOILETS so yeah, I’m sure P would back me up.

“P, answer me. QUICKLY. Do you know what sky juice is?”

“The halal or haram version?” She started laughing. 

This kid… Oh my god, I’m having the fight of my centuries and she asked me that question which gives me a major throwback to our ‘swimming’ days. 

“HALALlah ya Allah"

“Yeah, plain water. Why?”

That’s it. Mind blown. Mindfucked. Did you hear my mind exploding?

All the actus reus mens rea, the contract law terms, the executive, judiciary, how many courts there is in Ardella, bicameral legislation, its punishment, plaintiff, defendant, sui juris and all the legal terms are just… it’s gone.

My brain has been bombed by atomic bombs that blasted off the whole Hiroshima and Nagasaki in Japan.

My 19 years of life has been wasted like the leftover foods in bazaar during Ramadhan.

My life has been nothing but stupidity that has no warranty like iPhones made from China.

My brain has been a disgrace to my soul.

I don’t deserve to live.

Until next time, when I staple back pieces of my brains together.

P/S: If you guys had any other words that can contribute to my dying brain cells, such as the siblings for this sky juice, do share it with me, in hopes that my brain would not have cancer in the future.

To this SKY JUICE, you’re still just a drinking water to me. Don’t be so arrogant as if you are the world’s best juice because the last time I checked, you’re a plain water with no flavour! *flip hair*

But, considering that you contributed to 80% of my body cells that needs you in order to keep functioning and make me being able to live, I’ll let you be arrogant for that.

TTYL,

QE.